Cloak of Pain

If you read my last couple of entries you have read that I am having a hard time accepting, but accepting what is the question.  Sunday was so horrible the cloak I carry with me weighed so heavy not just on my shoulders but on my whole body.  But Greg was working all wkend and to boot he was on the midnight shift.  So I would see him for about 30 minutes in the morning and then for an hour & 15mins in the evening before he would take off for work.  Some of you women would say to me and many have "Lucky You".   No, I'm not because I depend on him, I don't do so good here by myself and as heavy as the cloak was on Sunday it was nothing like today.


Monday morning Greg came home from work and we did all kinds of little jobs around the house, as our grandkids are coming for a visit and let me tell you that is a joyous occasion no matter when.  But all day long the cloak felt like a shawl holding me back from what I wanted to do and what I need to do yet not heavy enough to take the smile off my face.  I cried a few times on Monday for no reason and I gave myself a good talking too and threw the shawl off my shoulders.


Tuesday morning I woke up in a heavy state, I had a horrible headache, and within 5 minutes of being up I was in a panic state.  I say state because it never left me all day.  I went to see my counsellor and we had a great session and I was so proud that I had gotten thru 1 session without breaking down.  He was a little disappointed as he had moved the Kleenex box closer to me just before we started.   Then by the time I got into the car the tears were streaming down my face.  I couldn't stop them, hell I didn't he know why they were falling.  I think I now know that I have so much hurt inside me that it is like a boil and it is bursting little by little.


Wednesday  was so bad, I woke up had a shower took 2 Ativan and laid down for 2 hrs.  I woke myself up crying and before you know it I was sobbing has hard I did when my dad died. 
I didn't know what to do, I thought of calling the crisis centre here in town but then I thought what if it is someone I don't know.  How do explain something that is happening to you that you can't explain even to yourself to someone you haven't talked with before.  So I didn't.  I paced, I went outside and walked around the yard, I watered the flowers, came back inside & made some butter tarts.  Then when they were done started to pace again.  I had told June the night before that I was available for supper tonight if she wanted to cook for me.  She asked if Greg was coming and I said no he was working days.  Now you would think I would be back to my old self but hell no that fucking shawl was starting to turn into the damn cloak again faster than June can knit.  June came and picked me up and we had a little talk before supper and the girls got there to play cards.  June thinks that my biggest problem is that I don't love myself.  How does one do that, how does someone loves themself  in order to get better.  there it is the million dollar question "How do I learn to first like me then love me as I am".   Hell I don't know but I dreamed about the last wk and what she said all night long.  Different people coming in & out of the dreams, some were frightening beyond belief so bad that I woke myself up and drank in a breath of air as if I was just held under the water for 5 mins. 


The doctor ie: Neurological Specialist told me and re affirmed at least a half dozen times that the seizures I have been having since February are real in nature, and there is nothing I can do to stop them it is my body defense against stress & depression.  He also confirmed that I am an Epileptic with the diagnosis of Genetic Generalized Grand Mal Seizures, that cluster.  Panic Attacks hit people in many ways and most times people think they are having a heart attack, but because my body knows that I totally shut down when in a seizure and for a day or so after that is the reaction my body is taking.  So I can't control them nor the moon.


So I wake up Today and think, fuck it's growing again but as this damn cloak is growing it is causing me pain.  My head hurts as if a hot blade is going thru it, I have diarrhea so bad with cramping.  I have such a pain behind the right eye much like when I use to get migraines in my teens.  It seems that I can't do much without suffering and then the flood gates burst wide open.  Not knowing what to do, I call my counsellor.  We talk for a few minutes but I really don't let him know how bad I'm feeling, but I find out later on I was only fooling myself.  I make an appointment for the following day.  He repeatedly asks me if I feel suicidal, hell that's all I can think about.  I want the pain, the tears, hurt, the words, the looks, the shuns, the bully and the self hatred to stop and that means only one way for me.  But I can't do it, because I love my husband and my boys more than my own life. Right?  What the hell scares me now is because it is getting worse then maybe it will be easier to do the other.  But my counsellor assures me that I am worth the fight and that I have a lot more to give to my family and my friends.


So then it happens a friend blows up at me at cards, this person is very hard of hearing and has an attitude to begin with.  He yells across the room "Moe shut up, now what was your bid,(then without stopping) would you stop talking we are trying to play here".  He has done this to me at least once a wk, yes I have a loud voice but most of them there do because they are all hard of hearing. 


It was like a bomb had exploded in my head, limbs  and all I had left was my torso slowly falling down.  It was like an out of body experience, I literally pulled myself together and walked over to the table put my hand on the table and looked at him straight in eye.  He waves me off and says "yes, yes I know it wasn't you, now leave so we can finish our game"  I then lean in farther and say quietly but loud enough that I know he will hear me and tell him "this isn't the first time you've yelled at me and told me to shut up when it wasn't even me talking.  I've had enough it upsets me and I'm not going to put up with it any further"  He spatters something back at me but by this time I'm so panicked I grab my purse and go outside. 


A lady gave me a ride home and as soon as I entered the door I fell to knees and sobbed uncontrollably, then I thought I was going to be sick so I quickly stood up, took some deep breaths and called Gord.  He wasn't there and I didn't know what to do or say, the young girl talked with me and started to calm me down and then a knock came to the door and it was Gord.   I have never wanted to die so badly as I did today, yet as I said I can't let down my husband, children, grandchildren friends, me and yes even Gord. 


So my cloak of Pain now owns me for a few days.  I am going to fight with all my life no matter what the pain to beat this.  Life is to precious, yes even mine.  Goodnight all.  Moe