Well most of you wouldn't know that I was involved in not 1 but 2 MVA's less than a yr apart. The first one was the major one. It was December 30th and my hubby and I were visiting friends in Sundridge, in fact we had gone to have lunch with them. It was the only time we were going to get together over the holidays. So about 12:30pm it started to rain and my husband didn't like the sound it was making on their patio door. He asked if they minded that we skip lunch and head for home as the kids (all 4) were at home alone.
We finished our coffee and were on the road home in less than 15 minutes. By the time we passed Bray Motors Greg couldn't get the freezing rain off the windshield. He pulled over cleaned it off then got back on the hwy again. We were following now 2 cars. I can remember the color of that car clearly as I hate red cars and it was red, but the car ahead of it, I have no idea. We were going super slow because of the conditions but then we damn near came to a stop as the car in the front slowed down even more. By this time we were at the passing lane just south of the High School. The red car pulled out to pass, he fished tailed a bit but made it okay. We were driving my Ford Mustang or I should say my hubby was. He looked at me and said do you think we can make it? I trust his driving over anyone's, so I replied if you think we can then go for it. As Julia Roberts said in the movie Pretty Woman, MISTAKE, BIG MISTAKE! From that moment on my life has forever changed thru no one's fault but that is life. One minute things are okay and the next your standing next to the devil saying "What the hell?"
Well we started off with fish tailing, then we did 3 360 degree turns, hit the south bound shoulder did one revolution and then went end over end twice and landed with the wheels facing the sky. Hubby undid his seat belt then undid mine. I fell face down and tried to move and couldn't. Greg jumped out of the car and every time I tried to move the pain in my lower back was like a hot knife but the worst was I couldn't move his legs.
The BEST DAMN VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT in the world South River/Machar Fire Dept. arrived to me seemed like hours but was only 10 mins. It was determined that I had to be cut out of the car, so they put a collar on me and a hard hat with a light then to top it off the ambulance attendant climbed inside to keep me calm and put some blankets to try & keep me warm. This in itself was almost impossible as the the ditch was filled water, it was raining big time and the windows were open so needless to say I was in Mustang bath. It took almost an hour to get me out of the car and in the ambulance and on my way to the hospital.
I was seen to right away, but the worst thing was that I had to pee so bad that I thought I wouldn't make it. The nurse said because I couldn't move my leg that I wouldn't be able to pee and just to relax and she would put a catheter in. No one had said it yet but I knew they thought I had broke my back and wouldn't walk again. So I relaxed and pissed all over the bed & floor (lol). She was not impressed and yelled she didn't break her back and left. Eventually the doctor came in ordered a battery of x-rays and blood tests. After 6 hrs in the emerg they sent me home.
The next day I was back in Emerg because I couldn't breath and in total body pain. Turned out, I had a cracked 3 ribs, my sternum, clavicle, lower rt jaw (lost 5 teeth), dislocated shoulder (rt), bruised rt lung, heart and that all caused by the seat belt. One could thing though I wasn't dead, I also pulled all the ligaments & muscles from my spine but we didn't find that out for about 6 wks.
Then after months of physio therapy I went to Sudbury for an evaluation and had the second accident. I suffered whiplash and a concussion and within 7 days had 8 seizures my first since my oldest son was born. It was hell because I also aggravated my back injury. I don't know if I was more upset about seizures or back injury.
So since then I've been in constant pain, So after 23 yrs I've been sent to a Chronic Pain Clinic in Barrie. It usually takes about 2 and half years to get into this clinic but the last time I was in the hospital for the seizures I hurt my back again and the Dr that saw me there put it through as an extreme emergency.
So I go, expecting it to be just a quick consult with maybe a few x-rays and then the treatment starting on the next visit. Boy oh Boy was I wrong. So all who know me, know that I am no size 2 model, and those that don't know when I get depressed I eat, hell I eat shit I don't even like. SO this young Dr.(who is in perfect condition and is sooooo hunky but way to young for most of you out there including me) starts to tell me all about the clinic and says he has read my chart and this is what he wants to do for me. Now I should have clued in as soon as he said that he read my chart that all hell was going to break out and that read & glancing at were two different things.
This is what he told me to start off with: NO -- sugars
NO -- fruits they contain sugar
NO -- flours, rice or tapioca included
NO -- dairy, cheese, cream in coffee, yogurt nothing
NO -- tea or coffee
NO -- pork, red meat
NO -- desserts
BUT I CAN HAVE CHICKEN & FISH EVERY OTHER DAY AND ALL THE VEGGIES I CAN EAT.
Now he had a Tim Horton's coffee on his desk which I immediately looked at when he told me all this to which he quickly said "I don't suffer from chronic pain and I'm not terribly obese"
At this point I wanted to Bitch Slap him but I knew if I started I would be led away in handcuffs and charged with 2nd degree.........
He then tells me he wants me off my meds, and wants to add Lyrica for pain & inflamation control. Now this is where I KNEW FOR SURE HE HADN'T READ MY CHART. If any of you have seen the commercials on this shit then you would have got up and walked out. But not me, because my husband just drove 2 1/2 hrs to get me here and they did get me in quickly. So the side effects are as follows ; may & have caused severe depression (hell I'm depressed already), may increase thoughts of suicide (just got thru a spell of that), those with liver or seizure disorders shouldn't use this medicine. F U C K I'm epileptic and I have hemachromatosis. Then he said well do you want to start the injections in your back today, so like a fool I said yes. So 4 needles with freezing were put into either side of my spine. The right side which is where most of my pain is didn't hurt or bleed much but the left side hurt like a bitch and really bled. Now the ride home was okay because of course my back was frozen but the next day I was in sooooooooooo much pain it made me sick to my stomach but the next 3 days it felt really good. But now after a wk it is back to where it was before. I am going back for another consultation/injections and tell him that for one I can't afford to come down once a wk for a year and that the medication Lyrica needs to be looked into more closely by him because IF he had read my chart he would know I can't or shouldn't be taking it. So that's my take on the Pain Clinic. Everyone I had talked to that day had been going there for years, now if it was working then why were they all going for so long. Because like everything else these 7 doctors are running a business and it is a sweet deal. They all have full time positions in other offices and hospitals.
So I am a little leery of my next visit but I am not going to give up. I forgot to mention that he also wanted me to have yoga breathing, more physio, acupuncture, hypnosis and massage therapy. So if you have read thru this then let me know what you think,
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Saturday, August 15, 2015
There are Good Days!
Over the past 23 yrs since our Motor Vehicle Accident and the return of my seizures and the loss of my mother and siblings it has hit me very hard. There was an incident about 2-3wks ago I swear I was about 4 glasses of water away from the here after. BUT my counsellor, hubby, my boys and a friend that has come back into my life stopped me and I'm sure it is because she knows I need her even if I didn't at first.
She also suffers from a debilitating condition and suffers from a cloak of a different color. She is much younger than I am, yet is wiser than me be far. She brought to me today a gift and if I had a cell phone I would take a picture of it. Inside MY little box were sticky notes with words on them as she saw me. She didn't want me to read them as we were going out for lunch, but also in the box was stones with words on them like: Believe, Courage, Strength, Peace, Patience, Love. Then there were about half dozen small smooth blk stones and she told me that when I can't carry the larger ones, when things feel too heavy then take one of these tiny stones to smooth away the fears. I have never had anyone bring me such an aw inspiring gift and all it took was some rocks, sticky notes and words of encouragement.
Thank you my friend, you will help those not so good days brighten up with nothing from you but one small box full of love & friendship.
So from the words she wrote on some of the sticky notes is: What I learnt today- is - That I'm awesome - Today is a new start - Nothing stays the same - Look after yourself - Love - Believe in myself and most of all the last one I read was YOU MAKE MY DAY. So today was a very good day thanks to my buddy. Oh did I tell you some of the sticky notes were in the shape of a thumbs up sign. Love it.
Anyone out there help any day, I will do what I can to help and if means making you a special treasure box with special notes and sayings in it, then I'm your gal.
Have a great wkend Love ya
She also suffers from a debilitating condition and suffers from a cloak of a different color. She is much younger than I am, yet is wiser than me be far. She brought to me today a gift and if I had a cell phone I would take a picture of it. Inside MY little box were sticky notes with words on them as she saw me. She didn't want me to read them as we were going out for lunch, but also in the box was stones with words on them like: Believe, Courage, Strength, Peace, Patience, Love. Then there were about half dozen small smooth blk stones and she told me that when I can't carry the larger ones, when things feel too heavy then take one of these tiny stones to smooth away the fears. I have never had anyone bring me such an aw inspiring gift and all it took was some rocks, sticky notes and words of encouragement.
Thank you my friend, you will help those not so good days brighten up with nothing from you but one small box full of love & friendship.
So from the words she wrote on some of the sticky notes is: What I learnt today- is - That I'm awesome - Today is a new start - Nothing stays the same - Look after yourself - Love - Believe in myself and most of all the last one I read was YOU MAKE MY DAY. So today was a very good day thanks to my buddy. Oh did I tell you some of the sticky notes were in the shape of a thumbs up sign. Love it.
Anyone out there help any day, I will do what I can to help and if means making you a special treasure box with special notes and sayings in it, then I'm your gal.
Have a great wkend Love ya
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Glass Houses & Cecil the Lion
My mother, your mother all mothers at one time or another would tell you "those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" Well here we are with the perfect example. A young man, whom I don't know nor will I ever meet, nor will half
the world. He works hard and his hobby is trophy hunting, do I agree with it, hell no, would I do it hell no. He is by all means living the dream, works hard at his job/career and when he can goes to a foreign country to fulfill his dream of shooting a lion and not just any lion but a great one. So he goes thru the channels, gets all the shots, buys all the proper permits required from the Foreign Country which is allowing him to do this and off he goes.
Does it matter that he is a dentist, hell no. Does it matter he has a family, hell no. Does it matter that he used bait to get his kill, hell no. WHY because he did what was allowed by this country to fulfill his dream. Do I agree with it Fuck no. But every year in the States & Canada we bait animals to trap, shoot or bow hunt. We call in ducks, geese and other fowls tricking them into thinking there is a mate near by, is that okay? Well it must be to all of you out there that are crucifying this poor bastard. Hell I'm as mad about it as all of you but Jesus take a step back and look at what you are saying and doing. He has done nothing wrong other than you are all upset about a lion you never knew existed till now.
Animals are killed daily for their furs, their skins, tusks, livers, gall bladders, fins, teeth, and yes even their penises. Have any of you found out who is doing this and ruining their life, have any of you gone to a rally or signed a petition or taken a bill to your government to stop all this. Most of you haven't, hell I haven't either but I'm still as pissed about what happened as anyone. But it boils down to this, it is allowed as is; baiting bears, chumming the waters for a pickerel in the winter, deer scent & deer feeding stations to keep the deer close, (national geographic) hunters use old antlers to rack against the trees, hoping to trick moose near to defend their territory.
It is like telling a woman after she has been raped repeatedly and she finds out she is pregnant that she has to keep that baby. Do I approve of abortions no, but if it was me I don't know if I would want the baby. Abortions are as bad as killing animals,for no other reason than you can show the picture that you did it. Is that an extreme example hell yes but what you are doing to this man is also extreme.
A friend of mine went to Africa 2 yrs ago, it cost him 25,000.00 for the chance to kill a Zebra, Water Buffalo, Giraffe. They paid 5,000.00 alone for the permit to do this. They were not allowed to bring home any part of the animal but they could take as many photos as they wanted. So he goes over not knowing anyone else in the group. Now this man is 75 yrs old at the time and was as excited as could be. He talked about it for months and finally the day came and off he went. He got there bought the proper gun and ammo needed as did all 7 of them and then the next day when they were ready to start the hunt were informed only 1, not all 7 but only ONE of them could kill an animal. So they drew straws of grass. The shortest got to do the kill and if he didn't kill one then oh sorry for your luck. He did not get the straw and the man that drew the right straw did shoot a Zebra. They all stood around the dead animal taking pictures, then they gutted it and gave it to the local village people. So are you going to ruin their lives to because of what they did. Cecil the lion was just as important as the fallen Zebra but someone somehow got wind of his plight and now a mans career and life will for ever be changed because he killed Cecil, not the gun. Yet in the states they always say that it is their right to bare arms because it is not the gun that kills well tell Cecil the Lion that.
So the next time you want to put someone down or throw stones from your Glass House, remember the words from a very kind man I hear! "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
the world. He works hard and his hobby is trophy hunting, do I agree with it, hell no, would I do it hell no. He is by all means living the dream, works hard at his job/career and when he can goes to a foreign country to fulfill his dream of shooting a lion and not just any lion but a great one. So he goes thru the channels, gets all the shots, buys all the proper permits required from the Foreign Country which is allowing him to do this and off he goes.
Does it matter that he is a dentist, hell no. Does it matter he has a family, hell no. Does it matter that he used bait to get his kill, hell no. WHY because he did what was allowed by this country to fulfill his dream. Do I agree with it Fuck no. But every year in the States & Canada we bait animals to trap, shoot or bow hunt. We call in ducks, geese and other fowls tricking them into thinking there is a mate near by, is that okay? Well it must be to all of you out there that are crucifying this poor bastard. Hell I'm as mad about it as all of you but Jesus take a step back and look at what you are saying and doing. He has done nothing wrong other than you are all upset about a lion you never knew existed till now.
Animals are killed daily for their furs, their skins, tusks, livers, gall bladders, fins, teeth, and yes even their penises. Have any of you found out who is doing this and ruining their life, have any of you gone to a rally or signed a petition or taken a bill to your government to stop all this. Most of you haven't, hell I haven't either but I'm still as pissed about what happened as anyone. But it boils down to this, it is allowed as is; baiting bears, chumming the waters for a pickerel in the winter, deer scent & deer feeding stations to keep the deer close, (national geographic) hunters use old antlers to rack against the trees, hoping to trick moose near to defend their territory.
It is like telling a woman after she has been raped repeatedly and she finds out she is pregnant that she has to keep that baby. Do I approve of abortions no, but if it was me I don't know if I would want the baby. Abortions are as bad as killing animals,for no other reason than you can show the picture that you did it. Is that an extreme example hell yes but what you are doing to this man is also extreme.
A friend of mine went to Africa 2 yrs ago, it cost him 25,000.00 for the chance to kill a Zebra, Water Buffalo, Giraffe. They paid 5,000.00 alone for the permit to do this. They were not allowed to bring home any part of the animal but they could take as many photos as they wanted. So he goes over not knowing anyone else in the group. Now this man is 75 yrs old at the time and was as excited as could be. He talked about it for months and finally the day came and off he went. He got there bought the proper gun and ammo needed as did all 7 of them and then the next day when they were ready to start the hunt were informed only 1, not all 7 but only ONE of them could kill an animal. So they drew straws of grass. The shortest got to do the kill and if he didn't kill one then oh sorry for your luck. He did not get the straw and the man that drew the right straw did shoot a Zebra. They all stood around the dead animal taking pictures, then they gutted it and gave it to the local village people. So are you going to ruin their lives to because of what they did. Cecil the lion was just as important as the fallen Zebra but someone somehow got wind of his plight and now a mans career and life will for ever be changed because he killed Cecil, not the gun. Yet in the states they always say that it is their right to bare arms because it is not the gun that kills well tell Cecil the Lion that.
So the next time you want to put someone down or throw stones from your Glass House, remember the words from a very kind man I hear! "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Grandkids & Scarfs
Well on my last posting I was so depressed and I had never felt so exhausted as I did then. My cloak was more like a shroud. It was so tightly wrapped around me with no end in sight. But on Friday afternoon sunshine pierced the shroud in the form of 3 little grandchildren. I cried so hard when they first got there for so many reasons; happy to see them, still depressed and thought I might ruin their holiday, yet I knew without a doubt that they would find the end to my shroud and unravel until it was just a small scarf. And that my friends is exactly what they did. My littlest one said "why you crying Nana Moe, I'm here now and I have a whole bunch of soft kisses for you" Well I started to cry all over again but with it came laughter that I thought I had lost. My oldest grandchild hugged me and told me she missed me and even the middle one was happy to see me but wanted to wha-hoo right after they went swimming. I asked if he wanted to be my partner, which came back quickly with a "NO". Nope he didn't want his mom either he wanted either his sister or Grandpa. So my daughter & I whopped their asses 12 games to 0. LMAO The poor little fella said he didn't want to play this darn game for a long, long time.
So when your body is busy and you are thinking of other things then the bad shit can't penetrate your mind. When they arrived the cobwebs of my mind lifted and all I thought about was how I was going to make their stay memorable. We didn't go fishing this time or go on a road trip it was way to hot, but we did a lot of swimming, played games, watched very little tv and had a birthday party for my littlest one.
Family is important, it keeps you grounded and although I have been dumped by my own family pretty much I have the LOVE of my two boys, my 2 step daughters, 2 wonderful son-in-laws and the most amazing 6 grandchildren a girl could ask for. But more importantly is I have the love of a man that no matter what happens to me or us he is right beside me throughout it all. He doesn't understand all my troubles or how to handle most of them but he is always right behind the ambulance after a seizure or holding me tightly when all I want to do is die. I will never do it because of his love and the love I have for all those listed above but mostly because I have a dear friend that I can call on whenever because she has gone thru many of these feelings. She carries her own cloak of horrors but mostly because of the Muskoka/Parry Sound Crisis Centre and their dedicated staff. I could not have gotten thru those few days without my counsellor and I don't give a damn if anyone knows I'm depressed or if they talk about me going in & out of the building. It is a lot better than coming out of a building in a body bag and that's when you know the cloak wins.
Keep busy, be kind to one another and stay safe. Love Moe
So when your body is busy and you are thinking of other things then the bad shit can't penetrate your mind. When they arrived the cobwebs of my mind lifted and all I thought about was how I was going to make their stay memorable. We didn't go fishing this time or go on a road trip it was way to hot, but we did a lot of swimming, played games, watched very little tv and had a birthday party for my littlest one.
Family is important, it keeps you grounded and although I have been dumped by my own family pretty much I have the LOVE of my two boys, my 2 step daughters, 2 wonderful son-in-laws and the most amazing 6 grandchildren a girl could ask for. But more importantly is I have the love of a man that no matter what happens to me or us he is right beside me throughout it all. He doesn't understand all my troubles or how to handle most of them but he is always right behind the ambulance after a seizure or holding me tightly when all I want to do is die. I will never do it because of his love and the love I have for all those listed above but mostly because I have a dear friend that I can call on whenever because she has gone thru many of these feelings. She carries her own cloak of horrors but mostly because of the Muskoka/Parry Sound Crisis Centre and their dedicated staff. I could not have gotten thru those few days without my counsellor and I don't give a damn if anyone knows I'm depressed or if they talk about me going in & out of the building. It is a lot better than coming out of a building in a body bag and that's when you know the cloak wins.
Keep busy, be kind to one another and stay safe. Love Moe
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Cried so Hard
I haven't yet read what I wrote the other day, don't know if I can yet. I truly mean that I have not cried that hard or long since the passing of my dad. It was exhausting, I felt listless, foggy, my nose was plugged from blowing and blowing, my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. The pain and anger that was built up inside me came rushing out. I literally exploded from the inside out. My poor husband came home from work and I stood beside his chair and said nothing but with one look at me he got up and hugged me tight and kept saying over & over I'm here.
I went to bed after he did, not much because we were getting up and going to the Bay to do grocery shopping cause my grandkids & their mommy were coming to visit us. I couldn't go I still felt like if someone would look at me they would have known that I did something wrong. But the truth of the matter is for the 1st time in a VERY long time I did something RIGHT.
I finally got up and got the coffee made and Greg came home with the car full of groceries, and before we got them put away a very dear friend dropped off my most favorite flower, a bouquet of sunflowers. It was the 1st positive thing that happened that day and it made me realize that people besides my husband & children do care about how I am doing today. That for the first time in a long time someone recognized that I had done something positive, I had stood up for myself and she knew how much courage it took me to do that. Silly isn't that I would use the word courage, but it was scary, beyond belief that I walked up to this person and quietly and told him how much he was hurting me and embarrassing me when I had done nothing at all. She gave me praise which I still find hard to accept but it is true, I did it the right way, and without malice or judgement as he had. So thank you my friend for seeing the good in me before I did. My counsellor told me that the Sue-do seizures were a trigger, that card man (we'll call him that) was a trigger for all the hurt unleashed on me as a child from my siblings. Then I remembered so many things that happened to me as a child and young adult that were all caused by my siblings. My memory is so bad yet things that I had supressed were flooding my mind so quickly that it was causing pain again.
My counsellor pointed out to me that when a child is born it has no choices, but thru crying it relates that it is hungry, hurting, and thru smiles that it is happy and content. A baby is taught from the beginning who can hurt him and who loves them. As life goes on and events unfold you find you have epilepsy that it was not something you asked for you had no choice yet somehow someone along the way they made you feel you did it on purpose and you believe. Babies aren't born so that they can suffer with cancer, or abuse or other horrible illnesses or acts of terror. They are born to love and nurture and it is up to the parents to try and guide them thru with positives, like loving unconditionally, teaching them right from wrong and when something happens negative to soothe them. When that doesn't happen then cloaks of depression form. When your a child you know why your sad but the person who made you sad is also suppose to be the one that loves you, so you smile and learn to hide the hurt, I have had so much of it that I can hide it better than even Robin Williams. He put an end to his pain and constant triggers of hurt. I am going to learn that thru positive actions & thinking that I won't have to take Robin's way out. Not that I haven't tried or thought about it. But I want my loves of my life to remember me positively & lovingly and the only way I can do that is to be believe "I'm worth it" "hell I look good for 60". So here I am, one day at a time, one positive thought at the time. Thanks GR & SR and mostly thank you Greg.
Gotta go my grandsons & granddaughter need my full attention; bye for now
I went to bed after he did, not much because we were getting up and going to the Bay to do grocery shopping cause my grandkids & their mommy were coming to visit us. I couldn't go I still felt like if someone would look at me they would have known that I did something wrong. But the truth of the matter is for the 1st time in a VERY long time I did something RIGHT.
I finally got up and got the coffee made and Greg came home with the car full of groceries, and before we got them put away a very dear friend dropped off my most favorite flower, a bouquet of sunflowers. It was the 1st positive thing that happened that day and it made me realize that people besides my husband & children do care about how I am doing today. That for the first time in a long time someone recognized that I had done something positive, I had stood up for myself and she knew how much courage it took me to do that. Silly isn't that I would use the word courage, but it was scary, beyond belief that I walked up to this person and quietly and told him how much he was hurting me and embarrassing me when I had done nothing at all. She gave me praise which I still find hard to accept but it is true, I did it the right way, and without malice or judgement as he had. So thank you my friend for seeing the good in me before I did. My counsellor told me that the Sue-do seizures were a trigger, that card man (we'll call him that) was a trigger for all the hurt unleashed on me as a child from my siblings. Then I remembered so many things that happened to me as a child and young adult that were all caused by my siblings. My memory is so bad yet things that I had supressed were flooding my mind so quickly that it was causing pain again.
My counsellor pointed out to me that when a child is born it has no choices, but thru crying it relates that it is hungry, hurting, and thru smiles that it is happy and content. A baby is taught from the beginning who can hurt him and who loves them. As life goes on and events unfold you find you have epilepsy that it was not something you asked for you had no choice yet somehow someone along the way they made you feel you did it on purpose and you believe. Babies aren't born so that they can suffer with cancer, or abuse or other horrible illnesses or acts of terror. They are born to love and nurture and it is up to the parents to try and guide them thru with positives, like loving unconditionally, teaching them right from wrong and when something happens negative to soothe them. When that doesn't happen then cloaks of depression form. When your a child you know why your sad but the person who made you sad is also suppose to be the one that loves you, so you smile and learn to hide the hurt, I have had so much of it that I can hide it better than even Robin Williams. He put an end to his pain and constant triggers of hurt. I am going to learn that thru positive actions & thinking that I won't have to take Robin's way out. Not that I haven't tried or thought about it. But I want my loves of my life to remember me positively & lovingly and the only way I can do that is to be believe "I'm worth it" "hell I look good for 60". So here I am, one day at a time, one positive thought at the time. Thanks GR & SR and mostly thank you Greg.
Gotta go my grandsons & granddaughter need my full attention; bye for now
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Cloak of Pain
If you read my last couple of entries you have read that I am having a hard time accepting, but accepting what is the question. Sunday was so horrible the cloak I carry with me weighed so heavy not just on my shoulders but on my whole body. But Greg was working all wkend and to boot he was on the midnight shift. So I would see him for about 30 minutes in the morning and then for an hour & 15mins in the evening before he would take off for work. Some of you women would say to me and many have "Lucky You". No, I'm not because I depend on him, I don't do so good here by myself and as heavy as the cloak was on Sunday it was nothing like today.
Monday morning Greg came home from work and we did all kinds of little jobs around the house, as our grandkids are coming for a visit and let me tell you that is a joyous occasion no matter when. But all day long the cloak felt like a shawl holding me back from what I wanted to do and what I need to do yet not heavy enough to take the smile off my face. I cried a few times on Monday for no reason and I gave myself a good talking too and threw the shawl off my shoulders.
Tuesday morning I woke up in a heavy state, I had a horrible headache, and within 5 minutes of being up I was in a panic state. I say state because it never left me all day. I went to see my counsellor and we had a great session and I was so proud that I had gotten thru 1 session without breaking down. He was a little disappointed as he had moved the Kleenex box closer to me just before we started. Then by the time I got into the car the tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't stop them, hell I didn't he know why they were falling. I think I now know that I have so much hurt inside me that it is like a boil and it is bursting little by little.
Wednesday was so bad, I woke up had a shower took 2 Ativan and laid down for 2 hrs. I woke myself up crying and before you know it I was sobbing has hard I did when my dad died.
I didn't know what to do, I thought of calling the crisis centre here in town but then I thought what if it is someone I don't know. How do explain something that is happening to you that you can't explain even to yourself to someone you haven't talked with before. So I didn't. I paced, I went outside and walked around the yard, I watered the flowers, came back inside & made some butter tarts. Then when they were done started to pace again. I had told June the night before that I was available for supper tonight if she wanted to cook for me. She asked if Greg was coming and I said no he was working days. Now you would think I would be back to my old self but hell no that fucking shawl was starting to turn into the damn cloak again faster than June can knit. June came and picked me up and we had a little talk before supper and the girls got there to play cards. June thinks that my biggest problem is that I don't love myself. How does one do that, how does someone loves themself in order to get better. there it is the million dollar question "How do I learn to first like me then love me as I am". Hell I don't know but I dreamed about the last wk and what she said all night long. Different people coming in & out of the dreams, some were frightening beyond belief so bad that I woke myself up and drank in a breath of air as if I was just held under the water for 5 mins.
The doctor ie: Neurological Specialist told me and re affirmed at least a half dozen times that the seizures I have been having since February are real in nature, and there is nothing I can do to stop them it is my body defense against stress & depression. He also confirmed that I am an Epileptic with the diagnosis of Genetic Generalized Grand Mal Seizures, that cluster. Panic Attacks hit people in many ways and most times people think they are having a heart attack, but because my body knows that I totally shut down when in a seizure and for a day or so after that is the reaction my body is taking. So I can't control them nor the moon.
So I wake up Today and think, fuck it's growing again but as this damn cloak is growing it is causing me pain. My head hurts as if a hot blade is going thru it, I have diarrhea so bad with cramping. I have such a pain behind the right eye much like when I use to get migraines in my teens. It seems that I can't do much without suffering and then the flood gates burst wide open. Not knowing what to do, I call my counsellor. We talk for a few minutes but I really don't let him know how bad I'm feeling, but I find out later on I was only fooling myself. I make an appointment for the following day. He repeatedly asks me if I feel suicidal, hell that's all I can think about. I want the pain, the tears, hurt, the words, the looks, the shuns, the bully and the self hatred to stop and that means only one way for me. But I can't do it, because I love my husband and my boys more than my own life. Right? What the hell scares me now is because it is getting worse then maybe it will be easier to do the other. But my counsellor assures me that I am worth the fight and that I have a lot more to give to my family and my friends.
So then it happens a friend blows up at me at cards, this person is very hard of hearing and has an attitude to begin with. He yells across the room "Moe shut up, now what was your bid,(then without stopping) would you stop talking we are trying to play here". He has done this to me at least once a wk, yes I have a loud voice but most of them there do because they are all hard of hearing.
It was like a bomb had exploded in my head, limbs and all I had left was my torso slowly falling down. It was like an out of body experience, I literally pulled myself together and walked over to the table put my hand on the table and looked at him straight in eye. He waves me off and says "yes, yes I know it wasn't you, now leave so we can finish our game" I then lean in farther and say quietly but loud enough that I know he will hear me and tell him "this isn't the first time you've yelled at me and told me to shut up when it wasn't even me talking. I've had enough it upsets me and I'm not going to put up with it any further" He spatters something back at me but by this time I'm so panicked I grab my purse and go outside.
A lady gave me a ride home and as soon as I entered the door I fell to knees and sobbed uncontrollably, then I thought I was going to be sick so I quickly stood up, took some deep breaths and called Gord. He wasn't there and I didn't know what to do or say, the young girl talked with me and started to calm me down and then a knock came to the door and it was Gord. I have never wanted to die so badly as I did today, yet as I said I can't let down my husband, children, grandchildren friends, me and yes even Gord.
So my cloak of Pain now owns me for a few days. I am going to fight with all my life no matter what the pain to beat this. Life is to precious, yes even mine. Goodnight all. Moe
Monday morning Greg came home from work and we did all kinds of little jobs around the house, as our grandkids are coming for a visit and let me tell you that is a joyous occasion no matter when. But all day long the cloak felt like a shawl holding me back from what I wanted to do and what I need to do yet not heavy enough to take the smile off my face. I cried a few times on Monday for no reason and I gave myself a good talking too and threw the shawl off my shoulders.
Tuesday morning I woke up in a heavy state, I had a horrible headache, and within 5 minutes of being up I was in a panic state. I say state because it never left me all day. I went to see my counsellor and we had a great session and I was so proud that I had gotten thru 1 session without breaking down. He was a little disappointed as he had moved the Kleenex box closer to me just before we started. Then by the time I got into the car the tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't stop them, hell I didn't he know why they were falling. I think I now know that I have so much hurt inside me that it is like a boil and it is bursting little by little.
Wednesday was so bad, I woke up had a shower took 2 Ativan and laid down for 2 hrs. I woke myself up crying and before you know it I was sobbing has hard I did when my dad died.
I didn't know what to do, I thought of calling the crisis centre here in town but then I thought what if it is someone I don't know. How do explain something that is happening to you that you can't explain even to yourself to someone you haven't talked with before. So I didn't. I paced, I went outside and walked around the yard, I watered the flowers, came back inside & made some butter tarts. Then when they were done started to pace again. I had told June the night before that I was available for supper tonight if she wanted to cook for me. She asked if Greg was coming and I said no he was working days. Now you would think I would be back to my old self but hell no that fucking shawl was starting to turn into the damn cloak again faster than June can knit. June came and picked me up and we had a little talk before supper and the girls got there to play cards. June thinks that my biggest problem is that I don't love myself. How does one do that, how does someone loves themself in order to get better. there it is the million dollar question "How do I learn to first like me then love me as I am". Hell I don't know but I dreamed about the last wk and what she said all night long. Different people coming in & out of the dreams, some were frightening beyond belief so bad that I woke myself up and drank in a breath of air as if I was just held under the water for 5 mins.
The doctor ie: Neurological Specialist told me and re affirmed at least a half dozen times that the seizures I have been having since February are real in nature, and there is nothing I can do to stop them it is my body defense against stress & depression. He also confirmed that I am an Epileptic with the diagnosis of Genetic Generalized Grand Mal Seizures, that cluster. Panic Attacks hit people in many ways and most times people think they are having a heart attack, but because my body knows that I totally shut down when in a seizure and for a day or so after that is the reaction my body is taking. So I can't control them nor the moon.
So I wake up Today and think, fuck it's growing again but as this damn cloak is growing it is causing me pain. My head hurts as if a hot blade is going thru it, I have diarrhea so bad with cramping. I have such a pain behind the right eye much like when I use to get migraines in my teens. It seems that I can't do much without suffering and then the flood gates burst wide open. Not knowing what to do, I call my counsellor. We talk for a few minutes but I really don't let him know how bad I'm feeling, but I find out later on I was only fooling myself. I make an appointment for the following day. He repeatedly asks me if I feel suicidal, hell that's all I can think about. I want the pain, the tears, hurt, the words, the looks, the shuns, the bully and the self hatred to stop and that means only one way for me. But I can't do it, because I love my husband and my boys more than my own life. Right? What the hell scares me now is because it is getting worse then maybe it will be easier to do the other. But my counsellor assures me that I am worth the fight and that I have a lot more to give to my family and my friends.
So then it happens a friend blows up at me at cards, this person is very hard of hearing and has an attitude to begin with. He yells across the room "Moe shut up, now what was your bid,(then without stopping) would you stop talking we are trying to play here". He has done this to me at least once a wk, yes I have a loud voice but most of them there do because they are all hard of hearing.
It was like a bomb had exploded in my head, limbs and all I had left was my torso slowly falling down. It was like an out of body experience, I literally pulled myself together and walked over to the table put my hand on the table and looked at him straight in eye. He waves me off and says "yes, yes I know it wasn't you, now leave so we can finish our game" I then lean in farther and say quietly but loud enough that I know he will hear me and tell him "this isn't the first time you've yelled at me and told me to shut up when it wasn't even me talking. I've had enough it upsets me and I'm not going to put up with it any further" He spatters something back at me but by this time I'm so panicked I grab my purse and go outside.
A lady gave me a ride home and as soon as I entered the door I fell to knees and sobbed uncontrollably, then I thought I was going to be sick so I quickly stood up, took some deep breaths and called Gord. He wasn't there and I didn't know what to do or say, the young girl talked with me and started to calm me down and then a knock came to the door and it was Gord. I have never wanted to die so badly as I did today, yet as I said I can't let down my husband, children, grandchildren friends, me and yes even Gord.
So my cloak of Pain now owns me for a few days. I am going to fight with all my life no matter what the pain to beat this. Life is to precious, yes even mine. Goodnight all. Moe
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Sundays
Do you have one day of the week that is the worst for you? Mine is Sundays, and for many reasons:
1-most of the time my husband works them and when he does the midnight shift is the worse because he is gone all night and sleeps all day. I talk to my cat but she never answers, language barrier for sure.
2-most people get together with family and have family outings or family dinners. Since none of my family include me in any of these it hurts like hell. Especially when you hear from someone that they are all getting together at a sisters place on the lake and having a bar-b-q yet you have not been invited. I'm #6 out of 8 so it's not like they didn't know I was in the house growing up.
3-most of my friends are busy with their own families and those that aren't are working shift work like my husband.
4-the only time I wasn't depressed or hated Sundays was when I lived in Toronto. There was always something to do and all within a bus, walk or subway ride away. Now that I've lost my license again because of the seizures I can't even go for a ride or go to the Bay for some shopping. Living in Toronto I never felt lonely like I do up here.
5-when my mom & dad were alive and then after my father's death it became a tradition for mom & I to get together on Sundays. There were Sundays that my mom would go to a siblings place for the day and then stay for dinner and if other members of the family were invited she would make them invite me too. Most times I wouldn't go because if they really wanted me there they would have called me too. Families!
6-During the years before my mom went into the nursing home, mom would come & live with us after surgeries, when she broke her arm or just wanted to come back to South River for a visit. My one sister lived for a time just around and I mean just around the corner from me. She would call and say that she would pick mom up for church and then take her back to her place for the afternoon and then would call later and say she was staying for supper. I would find out later that half the family was there for supper except for me & my boys. Damn that hurts and still hurts today, you know the old saying you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family or your friends nose. LOL
So there it is, I could go on and on and still it wouldn't change how I'm feeling. So I've gone for a walk, didn't work. Gone to the garden and pulled weeds, didn't work, baked a pie which I'm sure I'll end up eating most of it because that's what I do when I get down. So now I'm making a pasta salad for supper and I'm going to walk over and get a chicken to go with it.
Have a great day to whom ever reads this and remember Your Happiness is Yours, Your Anger is Yours, Your sadness is Yours all of your feelings are yours and yours alone except if you are depressed on Sundays then you can blame your whole DAMN FAMILY. LOL Love ya Moe
1-most of the time my husband works them and when he does the midnight shift is the worse because he is gone all night and sleeps all day. I talk to my cat but she never answers, language barrier for sure.
2-most people get together with family and have family outings or family dinners. Since none of my family include me in any of these it hurts like hell. Especially when you hear from someone that they are all getting together at a sisters place on the lake and having a bar-b-q yet you have not been invited. I'm #6 out of 8 so it's not like they didn't know I was in the house growing up.
3-most of my friends are busy with their own families and those that aren't are working shift work like my husband.
4-the only time I wasn't depressed or hated Sundays was when I lived in Toronto. There was always something to do and all within a bus, walk or subway ride away. Now that I've lost my license again because of the seizures I can't even go for a ride or go to the Bay for some shopping. Living in Toronto I never felt lonely like I do up here.
5-when my mom & dad were alive and then after my father's death it became a tradition for mom & I to get together on Sundays. There were Sundays that my mom would go to a siblings place for the day and then stay for dinner and if other members of the family were invited she would make them invite me too. Most times I wouldn't go because if they really wanted me there they would have called me too. Families!
6-During the years before my mom went into the nursing home, mom would come & live with us after surgeries, when she broke her arm or just wanted to come back to South River for a visit. My one sister lived for a time just around and I mean just around the corner from me. She would call and say that she would pick mom up for church and then take her back to her place for the afternoon and then would call later and say she was staying for supper. I would find out later that half the family was there for supper except for me & my boys. Damn that hurts and still hurts today, you know the old saying you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family or your friends nose. LOL
So there it is, I could go on and on and still it wouldn't change how I'm feeling. So I've gone for a walk, didn't work. Gone to the garden and pulled weeds, didn't work, baked a pie which I'm sure I'll end up eating most of it because that's what I do when I get down. So now I'm making a pasta salad for supper and I'm going to walk over and get a chicken to go with it.
Have a great day to whom ever reads this and remember Your Happiness is Yours, Your Anger is Yours, Your sadness is Yours all of your feelings are yours and yours alone except if you are depressed on Sundays then you can blame your whole DAMN FAMILY. LOL Love ya Moe
Friday, July 17, 2015
Limbo
It's been a rough year. So many seizures in Jan. & Feb. that I ended up in hospital 4 times, 3 in the ICU, chest infections. Then went to the dentist for dental work and had more seizures, poor Bob scared the living daylights out of him and his staff. Then because of that trip I did damage to the right knee so then had to have surgery in April and as I'm coming out of the general anesthetic I start doing the funky chicken again. Had 3 I think in recovery, 2 in post op which is when they sent me to the emerg because the nurses didn't have the staff & equipment to handle the situation. So then you think things are going good, and that fucking cloak drops on me and it is so heavy, the heaviest it has ever been. I wake up crying and go to bed crying. My poor husband doesn't know what to say or do so he does nothing. My son tries to help by telling me to exercise, walk, meditate. All my friends are so tired of hearing my problems that they start telling me to take walks, and have you tried the medical marijuana. I'm so tired of hearing that line.
The thing is, I started having seizures when I was 8 1/2 yrs of age, and was told because they were such severe ones that I wouldn't live to my teens, then our family doctor wanted me committed to a Mental Hospital in Sudbury. Back in the 50's, 60's & even the 70's it was believed that if you took seizures without having had a head injury of sorts then you must be mentally retarted or had Down Syndrome. Although some would argue this point, I am not Mentally Handicapped as it is referred to today nor do I have Down Syndrome. I am just an unlucky person with parents that both are caring the gene and so I now have the diagnosis of "Genetic Generalized Epileptic with Grand Mal Cluster Seizures".
So I continued to have seizures all thru my teens, was told to never marry and definitely not have children. So I did both and after the birth of my oldest son I didn't have another seizure for 18yrs.
Then one day, December 31st, 1992 to be exact we were visiting friends in town and it began to rain and then quickly turned to freezing rain. So we headed home and within a minute my life changed forever. We hit black ice and did 3-360's, flipped up on our rear wheels and then went end over end into the ditch landing on the roof of the car. This left us hanging from our seat belts and my husband undid his and then mine. He panicked and got out and I couldn't move from the severe pain. Then a yr later in November had another MVA and suffered whip lash. Three weeks later the seizures returned with a vengeance. I sunk into a deep, deep depression.
Once I got to a London University Hospital and saw a specialist that deals only in seizure disorders things started to happen. I hadn't taken medicine for all those yrs and now I was on all kinds of pills, some for Reflux & Ulcers, some for pain, some for depression and of course 3 different pills for seizures.
It was after all this that I found out that with Epilepsy comes depression, and with the pills that control epilepsy comes side effects 1- depression 2-diarehea 3- fatigue 4- weight gain. Oh joy is me, and I have all 4. It's the depressions that is ruining my life now not the seizures, this flippin cloak is so heavy some days that it's hard to think of anything other than death. After all I'm 60, my kids are growing and from what I've learned over the yrs is that life moves on no matter what. Look at 911 in the States, the death of my nephew, my mother, my father and so on and so on.
So I go back to see my counsellor but he can only see me for 6 wks, because it is a Government funded agency and it is called a crisis centre. So in all this time from January of this yr till now my Dr. takes me off the Dilantin that I have been taking for 20+ yrs and puts me on Keppra, Lamictal, Primidone and 2 anti depressants. But they take me off the dilantin to quickly and that G.D. Cloak has become so tight and it is like being a Mummy it is wrapped around me so tight. So thoughts of suicide start to enter my mind again and then I start having seizures again. Within a wk, I've had at least 50 seizures, so there I go back to London University Hospital to see the specialist again.
While I'm talking to him, I turn to look at my husband and start to shake uncontrollably and then I have a seizure right in front of the dr. It takes him about 5 mins to get me to respond and he tells me that they are not Grand Mal seizures but Suedo Seizures, but to be sure he sends me over to have an EEG. While having the test in fact I think it was near the end of the test I had another seizure. Again it was a suedo seizure. He brings me out of it and he tells my husband that I have no control, I am not bringing them on, it is my bodies way of handling the stress & depression I am under. When they tell me, I start crying all over again and think why would I do this to myself. They are so hard on me, I loose memory, I usually hurt myself somehow but he repeats that I do not have control it is my bodies defence against the pain of depression. I'm sorry but Fuck, I don't know what hurts me more knowing that they are not Grand Mal and only suedo seizures.
So here I am in Limbo until I get off the Dilantin totally. I'm in Limbo until the new dose of anti-depressant kicks in. And I'm in Limbo because although I would love to end it all I can't I promised my sons, husband and my counsellor yet don't think for a minute that as long as this damn CLOAK hangs around my shoulder Limbo is my life.
I'm tired and am going to bed, my hubby is on midnights this wkend and this is another thing that depresses me, he should have retired over a yr ago but he can't because of my medical costs. LIMBO!!
night all Moe
The thing is, I started having seizures when I was 8 1/2 yrs of age, and was told because they were such severe ones that I wouldn't live to my teens, then our family doctor wanted me committed to a Mental Hospital in Sudbury. Back in the 50's, 60's & even the 70's it was believed that if you took seizures without having had a head injury of sorts then you must be mentally retarted or had Down Syndrome. Although some would argue this point, I am not Mentally Handicapped as it is referred to today nor do I have Down Syndrome. I am just an unlucky person with parents that both are caring the gene and so I now have the diagnosis of "Genetic Generalized Epileptic with Grand Mal Cluster Seizures".
So I continued to have seizures all thru my teens, was told to never marry and definitely not have children. So I did both and after the birth of my oldest son I didn't have another seizure for 18yrs.
Then one day, December 31st, 1992 to be exact we were visiting friends in town and it began to rain and then quickly turned to freezing rain. So we headed home and within a minute my life changed forever. We hit black ice and did 3-360's, flipped up on our rear wheels and then went end over end into the ditch landing on the roof of the car. This left us hanging from our seat belts and my husband undid his and then mine. He panicked and got out and I couldn't move from the severe pain. Then a yr later in November had another MVA and suffered whip lash. Three weeks later the seizures returned with a vengeance. I sunk into a deep, deep depression.
Once I got to a London University Hospital and saw a specialist that deals only in seizure disorders things started to happen. I hadn't taken medicine for all those yrs and now I was on all kinds of pills, some for Reflux & Ulcers, some for pain, some for depression and of course 3 different pills for seizures.
It was after all this that I found out that with Epilepsy comes depression, and with the pills that control epilepsy comes side effects 1- depression 2-diarehea 3- fatigue 4- weight gain. Oh joy is me, and I have all 4. It's the depressions that is ruining my life now not the seizures, this flippin cloak is so heavy some days that it's hard to think of anything other than death. After all I'm 60, my kids are growing and from what I've learned over the yrs is that life moves on no matter what. Look at 911 in the States, the death of my nephew, my mother, my father and so on and so on.
So I go back to see my counsellor but he can only see me for 6 wks, because it is a Government funded agency and it is called a crisis centre. So in all this time from January of this yr till now my Dr. takes me off the Dilantin that I have been taking for 20+ yrs and puts me on Keppra, Lamictal, Primidone and 2 anti depressants. But they take me off the dilantin to quickly and that G.D. Cloak has become so tight and it is like being a Mummy it is wrapped around me so tight. So thoughts of suicide start to enter my mind again and then I start having seizures again. Within a wk, I've had at least 50 seizures, so there I go back to London University Hospital to see the specialist again.
While I'm talking to him, I turn to look at my husband and start to shake uncontrollably and then I have a seizure right in front of the dr. It takes him about 5 mins to get me to respond and he tells me that they are not Grand Mal seizures but Suedo Seizures, but to be sure he sends me over to have an EEG. While having the test in fact I think it was near the end of the test I had another seizure. Again it was a suedo seizure. He brings me out of it and he tells my husband that I have no control, I am not bringing them on, it is my bodies way of handling the stress & depression I am under. When they tell me, I start crying all over again and think why would I do this to myself. They are so hard on me, I loose memory, I usually hurt myself somehow but he repeats that I do not have control it is my bodies defence against the pain of depression. I'm sorry but Fuck, I don't know what hurts me more knowing that they are not Grand Mal and only suedo seizures.
So here I am in Limbo until I get off the Dilantin totally. I'm in Limbo until the new dose of anti-depressant kicks in. And I'm in Limbo because although I would love to end it all I can't I promised my sons, husband and my counsellor yet don't think for a minute that as long as this damn CLOAK hangs around my shoulder Limbo is my life.
I'm tired and am going to bed, my hubby is on midnights this wkend and this is another thing that depresses me, he should have retired over a yr ago but he can't because of my medical costs. LIMBO!!
night all Moe
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Advice from a Pro
My counsellor wants me to post my journals as he feels it will not only help Epileptics but those who suffer from depression. I hope it does because without the love & support of my sons, my councellor, my friends and my wonderful husband ( and my housekeeper who I can't live without) my suicidal thoughts would be more than just thoughts. It is because of the meds, that cause those thoughts, it is because of the Epilepsy that causes most of my depression that paired with the rejection of most of my siblings. It would be easy for me to do this, for lord knows I have enough drugs in my house that I would slip away without no one knowing. But it is because of my boys, my husband, my coucellor and my computer tech (who suffers from the cloak too) that I get thru days.
So don't give up, my nephew died before Christmas and I saw how it effected everyone and it made me realize that although life moves on whether your in it or not, your purpose in life is to live. Much like the wedding vows that people take "For better or worse" Love to all of you and this has become my other purpose, I hope someone out there reads these post and I hope I give you some peace in that we are not alone. Moe aka "Maureen"
So don't give up, my nephew died before Christmas and I saw how it effected everyone and it made me realize that although life moves on whether your in it or not, your purpose in life is to live. Much like the wedding vows that people take "For better or worse" Love to all of you and this has become my other purpose, I hope someone out there reads these post and I hope I give you some peace in that we are not alone. Moe aka "Maureen"
My Cloak is so Heavy Today!
Well since my last post I've had over 60 seizures, lost 1 bra, 2 sweaters, 2 tops and 1 pair of shorts. At this rate Pennington's is going to join the billion dollar club. Went up there today and spent 200.00 dollars in less than 15 mins. Oh well in retrospect I've gained 3 hospital gowns, 1 housecoat and one of their warm flannel blankets. I've used the ambulance service so much in the last 6wks that I think I'll invest in a good used one for my own personal use that way it won't cost me as much. It's a good job I don't remember all the shit that goes on once I've started having the seizure and I usually lose a day or 2 after too. The thing that comes with the damn seizures is a giant size cloak. Hell I'm barely out of bed in the morning when it drops on my shoulders. Yesterday for instance I cried non stop, my poor husband just went on and did the laundry, put the dishes away, cleaned the kitchen and made supper as if this was a daily routine for him. I feel so very sorry for him, yet I don't think I could love anyone not even my parents as I do him. He holds me, kisses me, doesn't ask for anything just does what needs to be done and then says with a little grin "I did say for better or worse". He always says that he can't imagine what I've gone thru after and during a seizure and if doing all these little jobs makes it easier for me then so be it.
I saw my counsellor today and he made me feel so much better. He always tells me what I need to hear yet never lets me forget the times I should think twice or undo what I've done. You can undo what you've done but you can never ever undo the words you say, for they linger like the cloak and there is always some measure of truth in the words you've spoken.
The last time at the hospital when I went into the seizures at the emerg the nurse told me I started screaming for my mom. They couldn't get an IV started so they gave me the Ativan thru my nose. She then said when the seizure was done that I curled into a fetal position and cried softly. I can't figure out why I called for her when it is my husband who I always look for after. I have to think about this for awhile, my mom was always embarrassed by my seizures and you were not to talk about them outside the family circle. Hell half the time I wasn't even allowed to talked then. I know seeing me in a seizure is dreadful and back when I started having them it was believed that only brain injured people suffered from them or mentally retarded people had them. Please no disrespect but that is what was told to me & my parents. I fought hard my whole life to make sure that people didn't think I was stupid. In fact I still do.
I can remember when I was a little girl and we were at Sick Kids Hosp. in Toronto and I was having my very first EEG, that gives them a reading of the electrical activity in the brain. They would put 27 needles into my skull and it would take about an hour or so, because if one wasn't in just the right spot they would have to take it out and redo it. I was crying after about the 6th needle because it hurt so bad, my mom asked the tech if she could give us a minute, so he left. Mom then slapped the back of my head and said if your going to cry I'll give you something to cry about. When the tech came back in he had a sucker, cherry I think and he told me it would help with the pain. It did in that it took my mind off what was going on and I never cried again and I always got a sucker from the tech. I'm very tired and think I will lay down, no one has read my last post and I don't suppose anyone will read this one. But it is helping me.
My Cloak of Horror
Well it is Saturday, July 11th, and I'm in a horrible panic attack. I have a toothache, and the cloak that I carry is hanging heavy. My husband is going to the car races in Barrie today and I want him to go so badly because he has been on 2 wks holiday and he has done anything other than take me to London for my specialist appointment. Whoopee!! But I believe that is the reason I'm so panicky is because he is going where I can't reach him. We don't have cell phones and I don't want one and either does he.
He has become my rock, he is about the only one, no that's not true. My youngest son can calm me too. Greg can undo the buttons on my cloak, he does it many ways. Kindness, physical touch, or just being around and knowing that if I need him he is within yelling distance. I'm a selfish bitch because I can go out and do a lot to play cards and that seems to be okay and I now know why, it is because I know where he is, not within yelling distance but he is at home waiting for me.
How do I get over this dependency I'm not sure for it is not good for me or him. But writing this down helps for it lets me see that within my selfishness I see that only what I want counts. Not fair to all around me, because if I do it to him I must be doing it to my friends. Another silly thing, no not silly but self destructive thing I've done is chew & tear at my cuticles till they are in such pain and are bleeding.
So you see the cloak has more powers than you can imagine, from panic attacks to literally eating yourself to cause such pain and bleeding. God I wish you would help me thru this so that when I die, I die peacefully and not in such pain that my loved ones around remember the good times I gave them rather than the anguish I caused myself, them and others.
I'm feeling a little better so I think I will lay down for awhile and maybe when I wake up the cloak will have shrunk.
Love to me and all those who love me & care for me. Maureen
Stage 2 of my Journey
Well I've had my naop, my son made me the most amazing supper then he went off to North Bay for a concert. I'm sweaty, but I don't know if it is because of the heat or how I'm feeling. My heart is still pounding, I'm shaky, want to talk to someone but who do I call. It's the wkend and everyone is with their families but me. Isn't that pathetic! I know what I'm doing wrong but can't change it. WHY???
How I miss my mom because whenever I was alone she was usually the one I called and talked to. She sometimes would know there was something was wrong but most of the time I don't think she did. My mom had her own cloak which she called her blanket of hell.
I remember when mom went to the psych hospital, she was suppose to be gone only for a wk or 2. Then they didn't know when she was coming home. Because of my relationship with my older brother & sisters I was sent to Auntie Vera's till mom got home. The hell I put her thru was not near what my brother & sister did. Then as my mom got older and dad died, they seem to enjoy her company as long as she was taking them somewhere. I gotta stop this it is upsetting me more.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Dummy Doing Blog for the very 1st time....
So here I am trying to learn at the ripe old age of 60 learning to use a computer that I've had for 8 yrs. About time you say. Hell yes. Pray for my teacher Sherry as she has no idea the turmoil about to enter her life. So if you are weak and can't handle all my language or mistakes then start watching Lawrence Welk because he might be more entertaining but I doubt it.
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