I haven't yet read what I wrote the other day, don't know if I can yet. I truly mean that I have not cried that hard or long since the passing of my dad. It was exhausting, I felt listless, foggy, my nose was plugged from blowing and blowing, my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. The pain and anger that was built up inside me came rushing out. I literally exploded from the inside out. My poor husband came home from work and I stood beside his chair and said nothing but with one look at me he got up and hugged me tight and kept saying over & over I'm here.
I went to bed after he did, not much because we were getting up and going to the Bay to do grocery shopping cause my grandkids & their mommy were coming to visit us. I couldn't go I still felt like if someone would look at me they would have known that I did something wrong. But the truth of the matter is for the 1st time in a VERY long time I did something RIGHT.
I finally got up and got the coffee made and Greg came home with the car full of groceries, and before we got them put away a very dear friend dropped off my most favorite flower, a bouquet of sunflowers. It was the 1st positive thing that happened that day and it made me realize that people besides my husband & children do care about how I am doing today. That for the first time in a long time someone recognized that I had done something positive, I had stood up for myself and she knew how much courage it took me to do that. Silly isn't that I would use the word courage, but it was scary, beyond belief that I walked up to this person and quietly and told him how much he was hurting me and embarrassing me when I had done nothing at all. She gave me praise which I still find hard to accept but it is true, I did it the right way, and without malice or judgement as he had. So thank you my friend for seeing the good in me before I did. My counsellor told me that the Sue-do seizures were a trigger, that card man (we'll call him that) was a trigger for all the hurt unleashed on me as a child from my siblings. Then I remembered so many things that happened to me as a child and young adult that were all caused by my siblings. My memory is so bad yet things that I had supressed were flooding my mind so quickly that it was causing pain again.
My counsellor pointed out to me that when a child is born it has no choices, but thru crying it relates that it is hungry, hurting, and thru smiles that it is happy and content. A baby is taught from the beginning who can hurt him and who loves them. As life goes on and events unfold you find you have epilepsy that it was not something you asked for you had no choice yet somehow someone along the way they made you feel you did it on purpose and you believe. Babies aren't born so that they can suffer with cancer, or abuse or other horrible illnesses or acts of terror. They are born to love and nurture and it is up to the parents to try and guide them thru with positives, like loving unconditionally, teaching them right from wrong and when something happens negative to soothe them. When that doesn't happen then cloaks of depression form. When your a child you know why your sad but the person who made you sad is also suppose to be the one that loves you, so you smile and learn to hide the hurt, I have had so much of it that I can hide it better than even Robin Williams. He put an end to his pain and constant triggers of hurt. I am going to learn that thru positive actions & thinking that I won't have to take Robin's way out. Not that I haven't tried or thought about it. But I want my loves of my life to remember me positively & lovingly and the only way I can do that is to be believe "I'm worth it" "hell I look good for 60". So here I am, one day at a time, one positive thought at the time. Thanks GR & SR and mostly thank you Greg.
Gotta go my grandsons & granddaughter need my full attention; bye for now
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