Well since my last post I've had over 60 seizures, lost 1 bra, 2 sweaters, 2 tops and 1 pair of shorts. At this rate Pennington's is going to join the billion dollar club. Went up there today and spent 200.00 dollars in less than 15 mins. Oh well in retrospect I've gained 3 hospital gowns, 1 housecoat and one of their warm flannel blankets. I've used the ambulance service so much in the last 6wks that I think I'll invest in a good used one for my own personal use that way it won't cost me as much. It's a good job I don't remember all the shit that goes on once I've started having the seizure and I usually lose a day or 2 after too. The thing that comes with the damn seizures is a giant size cloak. Hell I'm barely out of bed in the morning when it drops on my shoulders. Yesterday for instance I cried non stop, my poor husband just went on and did the laundry, put the dishes away, cleaned the kitchen and made supper as if this was a daily routine for him. I feel so very sorry for him, yet I don't think I could love anyone not even my parents as I do him. He holds me, kisses me, doesn't ask for anything just does what needs to be done and then says with a little grin "I did say for better or worse". He always says that he can't imagine what I've gone thru after and during a seizure and if doing all these little jobs makes it easier for me then so be it.
I saw my counsellor today and he made me feel so much better. He always tells me what I need to hear yet never lets me forget the times I should think twice or undo what I've done. You can undo what you've done but you can never ever undo the words you say, for they linger like the cloak and there is always some measure of truth in the words you've spoken.
The last time at the hospital when I went into the seizures at the emerg the nurse told me I started screaming for my mom. They couldn't get an IV started so they gave me the Ativan thru my nose. She then said when the seizure was done that I curled into a fetal position and cried softly. I can't figure out why I called for her when it is my husband who I always look for after. I have to think about this for awhile, my mom was always embarrassed by my seizures and you were not to talk about them outside the family circle. Hell half the time I wasn't even allowed to talked then. I know seeing me in a seizure is dreadful and back when I started having them it was believed that only brain injured people suffered from them or mentally retarded people had them. Please no disrespect but that is what was told to me & my parents. I fought hard my whole life to make sure that people didn't think I was stupid. In fact I still do.
I can remember when I was a little girl and we were at Sick Kids Hosp. in Toronto and I was having my very first EEG, that gives them a reading of the electrical activity in the brain. They would put 27 needles into my skull and it would take about an hour or so, because if one wasn't in just the right spot they would have to take it out and redo it. I was crying after about the 6th needle because it hurt so bad, my mom asked the tech if she could give us a minute, so he left. Mom then slapped the back of my head and said if your going to cry I'll give you something to cry about. When the tech came back in he had a sucker, cherry I think and he told me it would help with the pain. It did in that it took my mind off what was going on and I never cried again and I always got a sucker from the tech. I'm very tired and think I will lay down, no one has read my last post and I don't suppose anyone will read this one. But it is helping me.
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