Well on my last posting I was so depressed and I had never felt so exhausted as I did then. My cloak was more like a shroud. It was so tightly wrapped around me with no end in sight. But on Friday afternoon sunshine pierced the shroud in the form of 3 little grandchildren. I cried so hard when they first got there for so many reasons; happy to see them, still depressed and thought I might ruin their holiday, yet I knew without a doubt that they would find the end to my shroud and unravel until it was just a small scarf. And that my friends is exactly what they did. My littlest one said "why you crying Nana Moe, I'm here now and I have a whole bunch of soft kisses for you" Well I started to cry all over again but with it came laughter that I thought I had lost. My oldest grandchild hugged me and told me she missed me and even the middle one was happy to see me but wanted to wha-hoo right after they went swimming. I asked if he wanted to be my partner, which came back quickly with a "NO". Nope he didn't want his mom either he wanted either his sister or Grandpa. So my daughter & I whopped their asses 12 games to 0. LMAO The poor little fella said he didn't want to play this darn game for a long, long time.
So when your body is busy and you are thinking of other things then the bad shit can't penetrate your mind. When they arrived the cobwebs of my mind lifted and all I thought about was how I was going to make their stay memorable. We didn't go fishing this time or go on a road trip it was way to hot, but we did a lot of swimming, played games, watched very little tv and had a birthday party for my littlest one.
Family is important, it keeps you grounded and although I have been dumped by my own family pretty much I have the LOVE of my two boys, my 2 step daughters, 2 wonderful son-in-laws and the most amazing 6 grandchildren a girl could ask for. But more importantly is I have the love of a man that no matter what happens to me or us he is right beside me throughout it all. He doesn't understand all my troubles or how to handle most of them but he is always right behind the ambulance after a seizure or holding me tightly when all I want to do is die. I will never do it because of his love and the love I have for all those listed above but mostly because I have a dear friend that I can call on whenever because she has gone thru many of these feelings. She carries her own cloak of horrors but mostly because of the Muskoka/Parry Sound Crisis Centre and their dedicated staff. I could not have gotten thru those few days without my counsellor and I don't give a damn if anyone knows I'm depressed or if they talk about me going in & out of the building. It is a lot better than coming out of a building in a body bag and that's when you know the cloak wins.
Keep busy, be kind to one another and stay safe. Love Moe
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