Well it is Saturday, July 11th, and I'm in a horrible panic attack. I have a toothache, and the cloak that I carry is hanging heavy. My husband is going to the car races in Barrie today and I want him to go so badly because he has been on 2 wks holiday and he has done anything other than take me to London for my specialist appointment. Whoopee!! But I believe that is the reason I'm so panicky is because he is going where I can't reach him. We don't have cell phones and I don't want one and either does he.
He has become my rock, he is about the only one, no that's not true. My youngest son can calm me too. Greg can undo the buttons on my cloak, he does it many ways. Kindness, physical touch, or just being around and knowing that if I need him he is within yelling distance. I'm a selfish bitch because I can go out and do a lot to play cards and that seems to be okay and I now know why, it is because I know where he is, not within yelling distance but he is at home waiting for me.
How do I get over this dependency I'm not sure for it is not good for me or him. But writing this down helps for it lets me see that within my selfishness I see that only what I want counts. Not fair to all around me, because if I do it to him I must be doing it to my friends. Another silly thing, no not silly but self destructive thing I've done is chew & tear at my cuticles till they are in such pain and are bleeding.
So you see the cloak has more powers than you can imagine, from panic attacks to literally eating yourself to cause such pain and bleeding. God I wish you would help me thru this so that when I die, I die peacefully and not in such pain that my loved ones around remember the good times I gave them rather than the anguish I caused myself, them and others.
I'm feeling a little better so I think I will lay down for awhile and maybe when I wake up the cloak will have shrunk.
Love to me and all those who love me & care for me. Maureen
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